Example:
You have tried everything you can think of to turn your marriage around,
to at least be able to talk to each other without it always turning
into an argument or worse. But the tension only seems to get worse.
You are now worried about the children and are ready to give up.
You could
start with something as simple as a divorce counselling session,
either alone or together with your partner. This would give you the
relief of being able to at least spell out the problems, explore possible
options, and get advice on the legal consequences of any choices you
might have to make. Sometimes it helps to just have someone to talk
to about what you are going through. Sometimes, in talking outloud,
you can find your own truth and a stronger sense of clarity and direction.
If you decide that separation is the best or only answer,
you could ask for help in negotiating a separation agreement.
You would be able to work together on this but at the same time have
the option of obtaining separate independent legal advise while this
was going on. For difficult issues where you seem far apart or where
communication seems impossible, you would benefit from one or more mediation
sessions to assist in having your needs listened to and understood
in a safe and confidential setting. Most people are surprised at how
quickly the level of misunderstanding and mistrust can be reduced, to
at least form a working relationship.
Example:
Your 18 year old is not respecting your family rules and you have run
out of options. You could benefit from a family conference.
Parenting is one
of the most challenging responsibilities of our lives. As children grow
and develop their own personality, knowledge and skills and want more
autonomy, it is important to negotiate new, but appropriate, boundaries
and ways of living together that work for everyone in the family.
A family
conference is a meeting of everyone involved in or affected by the problem
in the family. Each person, in turn, is asked to explain his or her
own actions and how he or she is affected by the situation. Each person
is then asked what needs to be done or what he or she can contribute
to make things right. A plan of action is then built
out of consensus.
The benefits
are that each person is held accountable and must take responsibility
for his or her actions. Each person's point of view is listened to with
respect. The family, as a whole, takes responsibility for what has happened
and what needs to be done to resolve the problem. The aim is to restore
relationships and to provide an opportunity for the family to look forward
to a fresh start.
Example:
Your only remaining parent has just passed away and already the feuding
has begun. Personal items are disappearing and there are serious questions
about a recent will that has just appeared.
You should
realize, first of all that your family situation is by no means unique.
Family conflict frequently breaks out around the time of a parents death,
and all too often families break apart when they do not face these conflicts
right away. This would be a good time for a family conference.
A typical
conference would begin with each person being asked how he/she has been
affected by the parent's death and how he/she is being affected by the
conflict. Although it may have already begun to appear, what is behind
the conflict would be explored by everyone sharing his or her needs
or personal interests. Then, from the understanding already gained of
each other, and with the help of an experienced facilitator,
everyone would brainstorm a plan to accomodate each person's needs and
point of view.
By everyone
taking responsibility for understanding and accomodating
each other, the entire family is given the opportunity to share
the loss of their parent(s) and to renew itself as a family.
